"I woke up one day and didn't know who I was anymore."
One day I went to sleep feeling like myself and the next day I woke up completely lost and drowning in a sea of darkness. It felt like all the years of suppressed frustrations, disappointments and failures all fell on me at once, and the weight was unbearable.
Looking back now I can see that this happened over time and that starting at age 12 I had been gradually losing sight of who I was.
During the worst parts of my depression, getting out of bed and leaving my house in the morning would take most of my energy. Any energy I had left was used to plaster on the fake smile to make people think I was doing great and had everything together. It was such a lie.
I was dying inside.
I began using people and alcohol to fill the voids I had, but because I didn’t know what was actually wrong, of course it never worked. I felt trapped and completely alone in a spiral leading nowhere good.
I had gotten so good at wearing masks and pretending to be ok that when I actually asked my spiritual mentors for help, no one believed me.
Imagine living day to day feeling completely drained & useless only to finally build up enough courage to ask for help, and then being turned down. This not only reinforced all the negative things that I was telling myself about no-one caring about me, but now I started feeling like God didn’t care about me either. With that weight added onto my already spiraling self-worth, I started to hate who I was.
Before I got a coach and learned about how the brain works, how to take control of the narrative of my life and how to heal my pain, these things were all really hard to deal with. Understandably, the confusion about who I was and what I was worth mixed with my feelings of being completely alone led to me becoming extremely depressed and suicidal.
One day (out of the many) where I was aimlessly watching YouTube videos because I couldn’t leave the house, I came across one of a life coach doing a live intervention. As I watched the video and listened to the questions he was asking the person, I begin asking them of myself. These questions, not even directed at me, caused me to take a serious look at who I was.
What I saw was disgusting. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.
I didn’t like who I had become and as much as I wanted to die, in that moment I realized I actually wanted to live more. I started to see that what I really wanted was for the pain to go away and I knew that getting rid of it would be my responsibility.
I knew that the longer I stayed in this ‘dark place’ the further I would get from all the things that would actually help me and that I actually wanted out of life like happiness, love and connection. This was the first big shift for me and what began my journey to finding myself.
Fortunately for me and my loved ones, I was able to get help before I made a big mistake, but I know everyone isn’t that fortunate. Now, my focus is on finding people before it’s too late. Finding people who are stuck in situations where they can’t grow or find joy, who feel trapped by circumstance and outside pressures or who feel like they are about to lose their grip on who they are.
If any of my story resonates with you, know that you are not alone.
I get it, I’ve been there, and I would love to connect.