"I woke up one day and didn't know who I was anymore."
One day I went to sleep feeling like myself and the next day I woke up completely lost and drowning in a sea of darkness. It felt like all the years of suppressed frustrations, disappointments and failures all fell on me at once, and the weight was unbearable.
Looking back now I can see that this happened over time and even back as far as age 12 I had been gradually losing sight of who I was.
During the worst parts of my depression, getting out of bed and leaving my house in the morning would take most of my energy. Any energy I had left was used to plaster on the fake smile we all use to make people think everything was just fine. It was such a lie. I was dying inside.
When I got to my late teens, I had began using people and alcohol to fill the voids. However, the problem was that since I didn’t know what was actually going on with me (since I never asked for help) of course nothing ever worked worked. I felt trapped and alone in a spiral leading nowhere good.
I had gotten so good at wearing masks and pretending to be ok that when I actually asked my spiritual mentors for help, no one believed me. They'd say things like "You? Depressed? No way!"
Imagine living day to day feeling completely worthless only to finally build up enough courage to ask for help, and then being turned away. I allowed this to reinforce all the negative things that I was already telling myself, but now I started feeling like even God didn’t care about me. With that weight added onto my already spiraling self-worth, I started to hate who I was and more importantly- lose sight of who I could become.
Before I got a coach and learned about how the brain works, how to take control of my narrative, and how to my fear into faith... these things were really hard to deal with. Understandably, the confusion about who I was and what I was worth, mixed with my feelings of being alone and forgotten led to me becoming extremely depressed and suicidal.
When it all changed:
One day (out of the many) when I was aimlessly watching YouTube videos, eating whatever I could get my hands on and refusing to leave the house - I came across a video of a life coach doing a live intervention. As I watched the video my mouth slowly opened! I listened to the questions he was asking as if he was talking directly to me and after a few minutes, it was just the spark I needed to relight the fire that was extinguished within. These questions, not even directed at me, caused me to take a serious look at who I was.
And what I saw... was disgusting. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.
I didn’t like who I had become and as much as I wanted to die, what I really wanted was to stop hurting. I wanted to live, something deep down inside of me remembered that. And from that moment on I realized that my life would be my responsibility. If I wanted more, I needed to do more. And to do more, I needed to become more.
In that moment - I decided to grow.
I knew that the longer I stayed in this ‘dark place’ the further I would get from all the things that would actually help me. This was the first big shift for me and what began my journey to finding my true self.
Granted, all of our stories are different and unique but I am sure there are some parts in there you can relate to. If not situationally, emotionally; like fear, guilt, loneliness or abandonment. Trust me, I get it. And just like you, this is only scratching the surface.
I share all this with you upfront and openly because I want you to know - I get it. I have been there. I know what giving up feels like and I remember rationalizing and telling myself that 'it's not that bad'... even when it was.
I don't know who you are just yet and I also don't know what led you here but I don't really believe in coincidence. If there is something inside you that pulled you here and that same something is telling you to lean in; I just ask that you listen to it.